Don’t Hold on too Tight

Y’all.

It’s been a season. The season has felt long; especially since it isn’t one we’re TOTALLY ready to share yet. But, some of the pieces have been pretty open: career changes. Shifts to things that felt steady. Kids facing hard, real-life things. Medical situations that have far more questions and uncertainties than answers… yet none that seem amazing or what we’d write into our own story if we were the author (thank goodness we aren’t though… right?).

In this time, I’ve worked to see the beauty, to celebrate the spring, to focus on things that make me feel strong, to dive into the Word, and to live in each and every moment without letting my mind wander too far into “what’s next?” land.

But sometimes it’s hard.

One thing that has brought a great SENSE (and I say and emphasize sense for a reason) of strength and achievement has been a pursuit of athletics. Both Ninja Warrior (celebrated by our whole family as we compete all over the place and feel so at home in the community and family it’s given us), rowing, and running. Keeping a schedule (one that is written out and lives on my desk just like my work agenda) gives my ADHD mind something that stays at the forefront, providing a constant dopamine boost when I check something off of it.

But those days seem to be getting harder and harder… and each update box becomes a little harder to fill. Each workout hurts a little more than the last.

Don’t get me wrong. We’re on a hunt for answers. But, during the unknowing… it’s just hard.

And this is why, opening Levi Lusko’s newest book “Blessed are the Spiraling,” has been so refreshing.

I haven’t finished yet, so I can’t give it all the accolades it very likely deserves. But, a paragraph I read yesterday is something I keep coming back to:

“The key is to accept whatever God puts into your hand and to use it to glorify Him with all your might, but not to let it become your identity. Let it be what you do, not who you are. That will reduce the sting when it is taken away.”

Yikes.

I keep coming back to it as I wonder if I have held on too tightly, and if I have used this gift he’s given me to glorify him. It’s certainly my intent… as it is for many others in this space. We know that what we do is a little “different” and want to connect with others deeply, encourage, and find ways to share God’s love in a tangible, simple way that has a ripple effect for the kingdom.

And yet, when I place that against the idea that my role in it all might need to change, I can’t lie and say there isn’t a panic that boils up from inside. And that, is my check engine light… my indicator that maybe I am holding on too tightly.

I don’t know what to do with that information yet, or how to move forward through it… but I know that God does (quite literally, thank God). His plan and story for each of us is more than we can imagine… always beautiful, even when it seems like it shouldn’t be by worldly standards.

Another passage in the book read “Worship that hurts like hell heals like heaven.” And that, my friends, now lives on an index card on my desk along with words I felt the Lord placed on my heart back on March 1, before one of the injuries I’m working through now that says “Wait on me, and I will reveal myself to you.”

I don’t know what it all means. I know that waiting has been a key theme of God’s building in my life for my entire life. I don’t know what’s next. I’m not sure what the answers are and I’m not sure I am ready for them when they come… but, I know God’s in it with me… just like he’s in it with you too.

So I’ll keep chasing his light and holding onto his truth while whatever comes next comes. Maybe that’s where the joy we long for lives… in the waitings knowing our hope is anchored to something solid, something eternal.

If you’re in your own spiral, facing your own unknowns, and not sure what is next, I want to encourage you to read “Blessed are the Spiraling” (referenced above), and more importantly, to turn to truth. Open up the scriptures… share your journey with someone close to you (I. Know. This. Is. Hard), and to hold onto hope. You’re not alone. You’re not forgotten. There’s a reason for it all… I promise; but more importantly, the creator of the universe promises too and holds it all in his hands. Hold onto hope.